MacPhisto: "Do you know who I am? Oh, I know who you are. I know you probably even better than you know yourself. What a night, what a show! Zooropa, it's all over. So many have turned out to see us, I don't know what to say – thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you."

Crowd: [cheers and applause]

MacPhisto: "But you know, there's someone who used to come and see us all the time, and who hasn't been round for a while. We used to be so close. People think I've forgotten about him, but... I haven't. I used to find him so inspiring back then. He invented me. I was His most magnificent creation; the brightest star in His sky!  Now look at me: a tired old pop star in platform shoes." [shows them off]

Crowd: [cheer]

MacPhisto: "I try to speak to him all the time, but he won't take my calls. And I get blamed for everything – all the wars, all the famine, all the trouble in the world, I get blamed for it."

Crowd: [awww]

MacPhisto: "Even the Evening Herald slags me off." [pauses before making a pointed look]

Crowd: [laughter, jeers and whistles]

MacPhisto: "Who can I get to help me make peace with Him? Who will mediate for me and...?" [glances upward] "Shall I call the United Nations?"

Crowd: [cheer]

MacPhisto: "Maybe they could help me. Off with the horns, on with the show."

[dials]

MacPhisto: "Shhhhh... Hello? ...Hello?"

Recorded message: "You've reached the offices of the United Nations. I'm sorry, we're closed for lunch. But if you're a small Third World nation facing genocide, please leave the name of your country after the beep, and we'll get back to you as soon as possible. Thank you!"

MacPhisto: "Ahhh."

[answerphone beeps]

MacPhisto: [sings] "When I was younger, so much younger than today... I never needed anybody's help in any way. Now these days are gone, I'm not so self-assured. Now I find I changed my mind, open up the door. Help me if you can, I'm feeling down... and I do appreciate you being round. Help me get my feet back off the ground. Won't you..." [holds receiver up to the crowd]

Crowd: [singing] "Pleeease, please help me, help me, help meee!"